He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Enjoy the penises
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize