I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize