everyone is single if you try hard enough
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
