I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
