dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
