Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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