i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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