so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
