maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
