theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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