how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I could fuck to npr.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize