Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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