all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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