my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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