i was born a porn star she said
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
