im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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