Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
