I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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