You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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