So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
