here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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