I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize