I wish I could teleport
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
