Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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