the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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