So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
