1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
