I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
