the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
