I have demons in me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My ATM looks so different sober.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
