I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
