Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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