that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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