I just made out with a guy for $7.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
