theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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