He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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