Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
