Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
