I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
