I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
