I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
