My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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