I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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