I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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