There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is Oprah even human
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize