You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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