hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
