i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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