Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
