Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
