i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
