first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
