you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize