then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just googled if crying burns calories
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
