His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We have so much sex to catch up on
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
