She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize