Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
